im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
