ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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