That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
