I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
