you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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