Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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