sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
