im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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