the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
