nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
This house was built for laser tag.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
