Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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