What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
