the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
