took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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