No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
