if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just gift wrapped bread.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
