I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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