My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
