Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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