Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
