dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
