Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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