I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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