you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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