(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
