her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
