dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
