I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
