you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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