the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
