now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
