I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
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he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
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my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.