I think I won the penis lottery.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
