what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
