this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
