Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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