ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
No subtext here. People are naked.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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