Where is the hickey?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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