On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Drake has all the answers
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize