it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
