I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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