...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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