apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
What a dumb baby whore.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
