You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
