guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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