real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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