ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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