If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
