Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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