Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
