she looked like the before picture.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
