I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
