letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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