to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
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