I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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