He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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