you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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