Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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