Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
